Standing Here, The Old Man Said To Me

So yea, whats new?

um... ive been working at the bar, bartending, finishing the school term, and i got a book offer, which im very excited about.

whats new with you all?

its been a while since ive been in here......

maybe its time to revive this badboy.

Im having a really really bad anxiety attack.

im not completely certain why.

there are a lot of things going on, and i havent really vented about them, but i didnt think they would lead to me stressing as much as i am right now.

My roomies just came back from bham. they brought me sushi and hot Sake..

yes,

Sake.
Life is awesome.

It's Interesting sometimes. Life sort of travels its own course, like a river.
I suppose, in this metaphor, people are boats, without motor or sail. They tend to drift with the stream, moving slowly from one side of the riverbead to the other, closer at some times and further away at others.

a canoe that traveled away about a month ago has suddenly drifted back. It's a canoe that i sincerely never expected to travel my way again.

Yet, i dont know if this is a good or a bad thing. I just dont have enough information yet. It drifted away suddenly and unexpectadly, and its re-emergance is surprising.
And i dont know how to wrap my mind around it. I really, more than anything, need to talk to him, i guess. Even if it is just that one conversation, just to understand what made us drift in the stream.

Or maybe to re-tie to the mooring we shared for a brief moment.

This all said, the impetus is upon him. He will choose when and how to reach me. How to bring the canoes near again.

So when you read this,
Im around.


-----------------
In other news, i had to move out of my dwelling. my roomate made it uncomfortable and impossible for me to live with him.
So, if ive been incommunicado a lot lately, now you know why.  Get in touch,

Alright.

So yes, i have a very very good  friend who is HIV +.
It is no one's business who. if your not fucking him, he is not oblgated to tell you whom until he is ready.
No, we have never had sex. Believe it or not, i have friends. Friends dont usually have sex. I have a LOT of gay male friends that i have never had sex with, nor do intend to ever  have sex with them.
No, i dont have unprotected penetrative sex. I have in the past. The Recent past. I was, however not the receptive partner. And at the time i was dating the person. This is not an excuse.
I regret it now. I will not again do that until i am married.
I have in the past had one night stands. i do not enjoy or intend for them to be that EVER.
I go on dates frequently. a date is a date. i go out, eat, see a movie or go back to my house, cuddle, and watch a movie. a date does not mean sex.
Yes, i do get tested regularly. Every two months. And as  two months ago I tested negative. As of friday i was tested again, as per my schedule. I will have results soon. AS PER FEDERAL LAW THEY ARE MY OWN BUSINESS.  If i wish to share them, i will.
In the past year i have had malignant melinoma. if you dont believe me, i will show you all the bills im paying off. Medical records are sealed under federal law except to trained and registered medical professionals, or else i'd show you those as well.

Most important:
If people have a problem with my friends, such as who they are as people, or what affects their lives, be they gay or straight, they can go to hell. I love my friends, every single one, and wil always be there and supportive of them whenever humanly possible. Anyone who cannot accept my friends cannot accept me. my friends are a HUGE part of my life. If i am in a situation where i am dealing someone who will not accept me or my friends, then i am going to remove myself from that situation, peacefully and quietly, without causing drama.

 Here is a google search on HIV. educate yourself.
theres a lot of information on it. if you take the time, you might actually learn something.

If your lazy, here is the Center for Disease Control conclusion of HIV transmission. :

How HIV is Transmitted

HIV is spread by sexual contact with an infected person, by sharing needles and/or syringes (primarily for drug injection) with someone who is infected, or, less commonly (and now very rarely in countries where blood is screened for HIV antibodies), through transfusions of infected blood or blood clotting factors. Babies born to HIV-infected women may become infected before or during birth or through breast-feeding after birth.

In the health care setting, workers have been infected with HIV after being stuck with needles containing HIV-infected blood or, less frequently, after infected blood gets into a worker’s open cut or a mucous membrane (for example, the eyes or inside of the nose). There has been only one instance of patients being infected by a health care worker in the United States; this involved HIV transmission from one infected dentist to six patients. Investigations have been completed involving more than 22,000 patients of 63 HIV-infected physicians, surgeons, and dentists, and no other cases of this type of transmission have been identified in the United States.

Some people fear that HIV might be transmitted in other ways; however, no scientific evidence to support any of these fears has been found. If HIV were being transmitted through other routes (such as through air, water, or insects), the pattern of reported AIDS cases would be much different from what has been observed. For example, if mosquitoes could transmit HIV infection, many more young children and preadolescents would have been diagnosed with AIDS.

All reported cases suggesting new or potentially unknown routes of transmission are thoroughly investigated by state and local health departments with the assistance, guidance, and laboratory support from CDC. No additional routes of transmission have been recorded, despite a national sentinel system designed to detect just such an occurrence.

The following paragraphs specifically address some of the common misperceptions about HIV transmission.

HIV in the Environment

Scientists and medical authorities agree that HIV does not survive well in the environment, making the possibility of environmental transmission remote. HIV is found in varying concentrations or amounts in blood, semen, vaginal fluid, breast milk, saliva, and tears. (See page 3, Saliva, Tears, and Sweat.) To obtain data on the survival of HIV, laboratory studies have required the use of artificially high concentrations of laboratory-grown virus. Although these unnatural concentrations of HIV can be kept alive for days or even weeks under precisely controlled and limited laboratory conditions, CDC studies have shown that drying of even these high concentrations of HIV reduces the amount of infectious virus by 90 to 99 percent within several hours. Since the HIV concentrations used in laboratory studies are much higher than those actually found in blood or other specimens, drying of HIV-infected human blood or other body fluids reduces the theoretical risk of environmental transmission to that which has been observed--essentially zero. Incorrect interpretation of conclusions drawn from laboratory studies have unnecessarily alarmed some people.

LINK:

So, without drama, if anyone can explain how me serving lunch and watching a movie on the couch with a friend who has HIV can expose ANYONE to HIV, please pass that knowledge along. I try to live a decent life and treat everyone i meet as an equal, no matter what makes them the person they are.

so, ive been talking to someone, and im digging him, and hes digging me. and i think its cool. but hes not out, and i think that his parents found out yesterday about us. and now im really bummed because i really like him a lot, and id like to date, and i dont want the crap that happened with daniel to happen all over again, where im in love with someone who isnt allowed to love me back.

i just hope hes strong enough to stand up for himself. god knows ive been through it with someone who wasnt yet.

Teitur- One and only.

I've been wishing on a star but I could never have imagined
I would land just where you are after all this lonesome traveling

Took one look in your eye, reach out to hold your hand
This is when I realized that I could never understand

Do you want to be my one and only love?
Do you want to be my one and only love?

So you wanna be my friend, so you wanna be my lover
With you I do confess I can't be one without the other
That was hard for me to say, I hope I said it right
Which ever, come what may, you see I need to know tonight

Do you want to be my one and only love?
Do you want to be my one and only love?

Do you want to play these cards, do you want to lay them down?
DO you want to run away or do you want o stick around?

Do you want to be my one and only love?
Do you want to be my one and only love?

So tonight i came out to my extended family via. email. This was spurned on by a family member's email that i should sign a petition to "protect natural marriage."

So, i felt it was time. Heres a copy of what i sent:

Hey everyone,
 
This is louise's son, Matthew. I havent really emailed anyone from this email address before, but this is mine, so i figured that id send out a quick email to everyone to talk about some things.

First, as some of you may know, I live in Alabama now, so that I can attend school here. Im enjoying my college experience here, and life has been treating me pretty well, other than the fact that its a little too warm.

Second, I have to make a revelation of sorts to my extended family (all of you) I ask that you remain patient and read ALL of this email before making judgements, and that no matter what, you remember that I am still a member of the family and what im about to say takes a lot of courage and determination. I CANNOT reidderate how important it is that you all read this email all the way through.

I wanted to clarify something to everyone, as I have heard tell of whispers or rumors circulating. So, for the record, I am in fact Gay. I have been for as long as I can remember, and frankly I can't ever remember a time when I didnt feel the way that I feel. I have always been this way, it wasnt something that "I became" or that "I changed into".

I hope that everyone can, if not understand or accept that i am in fact gay, at least respect that fact so as to not if not treat me the same, to at least treat my parents with the same respect and dignity that they have always gotten. This email is something i have spoken at length to my parents about before sending, so they do, obviously, know that im Gay, and are very supportive of the fact that i am. I want to make it clear that this is not a "phase", and that this isnt something that i will grow out of or be "cured" of. It simply is how i am, and  how i have always been.

As you may have noticed, I have left Grandpa Ericson's email address off of the list of recipients of this email. I don't want you to read this as a sign of disrespect,  rather I simply do not know if it is something he would understand or comprehend. I would hope that you would all respect my decision on that matter at this time and refrain from telling him until I can either do it myself or figure out a way to tell him in a fashion that he would not feel overwhelmed.

Some of you may know that im a publishing author, part of the reason that i felt the time was right to tell you all of this is that my first body of work was just published, and it being a work of gay literature, i didnt want someone to just stumble upon it and be left with a list of questions and no answers.

So, yea. That's kind of a lot to take in. I hope that you all can understand, and that this hasnt changed the way that you think or feel towards me too drastically.

Should anyone have any sort of questions, comments, concerns, or simply wish to speak with me, you can feel free to contact me at any time either through this email or through my telephone at (205) 447-8997. You can, of course, feel free to speak with my parents about this all, but i do want to make it clear that this is something are well aware of and have been for years, and they cant really address anything more or more in depth than I probably can.

So, I send this email with lots of love and hope, and hope it finds each and every one of you in the best of times and health, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerly.
Matthew Mayo

when i post song lyrics that something is up.

OUT OF MY HANDS-

Out on my window ledge
I don't feel safe
but i stay looking down on you

It's out of my hands for now
It's out of my hands for now

I can't just walk away
Be nice to walk away
But I don't feel safe
Get away
All the way up here

It's out of my hands for now
It's out of my hands for now

Oh it is
down from here
down from here
Start to feel insane, betrayed
Out on my window ledge

Now our finest hour arrives
See the pig dressed in his finest vine
And all the believers stand behind him and smile
as the day lights up with fire

Let me in
Let me in
I stop to feel like crazy, betrayed
Out on my window ledge

Now our finest hour arrives
See the pig dressed in his finest vine
And all the believers stand behind him and smile
Watch as the day lights up with fire

looking down from here
it's out of my hands for now
Out on my window ledge
it's out of my hands for now

so let me in
let me in

So yea. Had a good weekend. Went and relaxed in the sand and surf, came home, and now its back to work.

Fun.

Had my first night back in the grocery store tonight, and I have to say, being a butcher is nasty ass work.

Other than that, there are about 5 people i need to call tonight, be they friends in putnam, or from bennington, or in montevallo.

So im gonna go get on that.

Mergh.

It's been a rough few days, and today is not helping. Work is chaotic at best right now, and I desperatly need a vacation. I have about $90 to work with.

Any thoughts?

So, i have a dillema. Im a CT citizen who is living now in alabama. Im faced with the decision of changing over my residency from Connecticut to Alabama to save myself about 5K a term in school costs. I plan on living here for a while. That said, if i choose to change over my residency, i sacrafice my right to have a legally binding civil union in the State of Connecticut. And, if you dont know, Alabama voted 81% last month to ammend their constitution to not only not recognize gay marriage, but to invalidate any civil union. So, while i may not have a recognized civil union here, as it stands now i would at least be able to have a legally recognized one in CT. But if i change my residency that goes poof. If i dont change it, i end up spending $10,000 a/yr more than i need to.

Hence my dillema.
Does anyone know of any loopholes, or have any opionions at all?

So, Hey everyone.

I was sitting here at work today and I realized that I didn't really want to let this thing go just yet. Its been a long time since i updated, but that said i think that its good for me to have some sort of outsource for my thoughts and writing, etc.

In me news, My first work has been published in short story form. Its called The Full Spectrum (www.queerthology.com) and you can get it on amazon, or wherever books are sold, except books-a-million, because they are bumfaces.  Im dating/ seeing a pretty awesome guy whose name is, oddly enough, Matt. I have, as some of you know, my own place now in alabama with a couple of roomies who are pretty cool, and life is going pretty good, albeit that my budget is pretty tight right now.  I have a great group of friends who care about me and love me, and other than working a lot life is pretty good.

Anyway, until the next update, Much love,
Matt.

My Journal is now Friends only. dont ask me why you cant see it any more, simply add me, and if i add you back then you can.

in other news: i have a squirrel name, and you can too.

http://www.cheekysquirrel.net/squirrelname/index.php

I wanted to write this yesterday, and i forgot to.

So on tuesday, prolific writer and outspoken Lesbian activist Rebecca Brown came to town for a reading, and then hung out with myself and the SAFE cabinet at eclipse.

It was a super surreal experience, and something that has inspired and encouraged me in several areas and on several levels.

sorry. thats how it goes.